I am about to share with you 10 essential strategies and solutions to use in your home to start building cooperation among you and your child(ren). Some of these may be new ideas to you, some may be ones you have tried in the past but have shown no results. Getting your children to start cooperating won't happen on its own. It takes consistent, effective parenting skills to change your children's behavior and to encourage your children to cooperate willingly on a regular basis. This will take practice, patience and persistence on your part but I can tell you from personal experience that using these strategies CONSISTENTLY will provide the cooperation and teamwork that all moms desire.
STRATEGY #1: Have a set of household rules as well as rewardand- consequence system that applies to EVERYONE. Having a set of family rules that everyone agrees to abide by relieves everyday stress and confusion. This is often overlooked in households and creates a lot of unnecessary negotiation, chaos and questions. By having guidelines and basic policies which everyone operates under you relieve that line your child often gives you, "Oh I didn't know that," or, "When did you say that?" I prefer to use a family meeting to establish household rules and guidelines. In a family meeting everyone is present, they have input and discussion and all concerns are taken seriously. Does it mean that all ideas your children come up with are guaranteed to go on the list, NO - but it does give your children a time to express their ideas and be validated. Your family can work together to come up with a list of rules that are fair, clear to everyone and in the end saves everyone, but most importantly you a lot of emotional energy and conflict.
An example of a few house rules we have used in our home are:
1. We're all in this together - this rule applies to everyone, even mom & dad. Kids won't buy into a double standard. If you have a rule that there is no eating in the living room, then it applies to all. Or perhaps all the kids have to make their beds made before school; well that includes mom & dad too. It is a double standard if you are expecting something from your children but you are not also willing to comply.
2. No yelling at anyone - raised voices are appropriate for emergencies only.
3. Calling names, using demeaning terms or making unkind remarks to each other is strictly not allowed.
4. Take responsibility for your own actions - this applies to conflicts between siblings, cleaning up messes and saying you're sorry.
5. Respect each other's space and stuff - this includes knocking before entering a closed door as well as asking to use someone else's belonging's.
6. Agree to abide by a family chore system - for every family this is different, but clear expectations and consequences are a must! When you have outlined some clear house rules and have decided on consequences for NOT abiding by them you relieve yourself of the constant nagging, reminding and figuring out what to do when things are completed. Basically you are setting up what is expected, your child(ren) know the consequence if they violate one of the rules so you are taken out of the middle as the "bad guy". It is their choice to behave however they choose and are aware of the outcome in advance.
STRATEGY #2: HAVE A CONSISTENT SCHEDULE & ROUTINE
One area that seems to always be a struggle for moms is the morning routine. Getting kids up, dressed, fed, teeth brushed and ready to walk out the door to school is hard work, especially if every day is different. We are creatures of habit and children are no different. In fact, children need and crave routine. Routine helps establish security and peace in a child's life. A morning routine will help your child manage their time and attention as well as have a clear expectation of what they are to do everyday. A bedtime routine will establish good sleeping patterns; a dinnertime routine established the importance of family interactions and a scheduled homework time will help your child get their homework done on time and with little fuss. As your children get older you can encourage self-direction by providing charts, task boards or lists that either show by pictures or words the order and items that need to be completed. This works extremely well for morning, after-school and bedtime routines. It gives you relief from constantly reminding or nagging and also helps your child take great pride in their own accomplishment of doing these items on their own. A wonderful opportunity to lavish on that praise! Routines are an ideal way to keep your family and children calm, secure and at ease with life's variables.
STRATEGY #3: Be specific - say what you mean.
Try to be as clear as possible about what you want your children to do. Make sure that what you tell your children are two or three directions and not general ideas. Practice making clear statements that identify what you need done without elaboration and lecturing, often times you end up losing your child with excess talking. Clean your room may mean something totally different to each of your children; being specific about your expectation in the beginning will give your child a clear vision of what you need them to do. Asking them to pick up their clothes, put all the books back on their bookshelf and empty their trash can is a lot easier for them to make sense of and accomplish rather than a general statement of "Clean your room." I have found that making my child repeat back what I just asked him to do helps me to know that he heard me, that he clearly understands the expectation and then there can be no "misunderstanding" on what was asked. This is also covered again in strategy #6. Giving a time frame or deadline gives another clearly defined expectation to your child, "Have your chores done by 5 PM," or "Feed the dog by 8 AM." Having this clearly defined deadline leaves little area for nagging or constant reminding.
STRATEGY #4: Give your child some choices
Everyone likes to be given a choice rather than feeling like they are being told what to do. This is no different for children! Whenever it is possible offer your child a choice: "Would you like to sweep the floor or dry the dishes?" You can also use a sequence choice such as, "What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?" You can also offer a time choice, "Would you like to start at 6:00 or 6:15?" If your child tries to get tricky by creating his own third option, stand firm and simply say, "That wasn't one of the choices" and re-state your original selection. If your child still refuses to choose, you choose for him. It is extremely important when you give your child a choice that he learns to live with the consequence of his decision. This is a key lesson when using this strategy. When you are out and your child is running amok, give him a choice, "You can walk beside me or ride in the cart." The minute he takes off again you can pick him up and put him in the cart and say, "I see you've decided to ride in the cart." It is as simple as that, no more explanation or talk about his choice.
STRATEGY #5: Be firm, consistent and stay calm
Children will put parents to the test; it is in their job description! They will attempt to see how much their parents will let them get away with and if they are successful in their attempt at gaining control of the situation, they will continue the behavior. When you have made a request, simply stick with the request. Some children will be obedient and obey, others will want to know the logic behind the request and then comply, and then others will refuse or even try to negotiate. By making a request and associating it with a natural consequence (one that happens to them by the choice they made) you are providing little room for conflict to arise. If you have child that does not comply when you have asked once, restate your request calmly, "You may go out as soon as your room is vacuumed." Case is closed. If you spend any more time informing your child of what to do, he will take advantage of both the power struggle and your weakness. If you child refuses to comply then be firm and consistent with what you said in the beginning, by all means do not allow them to go out until they have completed your request.
Another area you have in your power as a parent is the privileges that your children participate in. Does your child have a cell phone, an iPod, video games or watch TV? These are privileges that can be taken away when the child chooses to disregard your requests. Parents forget about this prime area of power with their children. We are raising a nation of kids who think they get these privileges without doing their part. If they chose to not take out the trash and you have told them the consequence is the loss of their TV privileges - yet they don't take out the trash, be firm and do not allow them TV time. Your child will learn that you follow through with what you say. Some parents will say, "yes but they got away with not completing the request." The goal here was not to condition him to do the request, but rather to experience the logical consequences of their own actions and her decision. This is a life lesson that needs to be learned at home and can be started very early. By allowing your child to make choices and then experience their own chosen consequence you are giving them a taste of the real world.
STRATEGY #6: Get your child's attention
This seems like a no-brainer, but often times you think your child heard you but in reality he did not. Parents can reduce confusion and non-compliance by making sure your child is paying attention before giving instructions. To ensure you have your child's attention, follow these steps: Begin every request using your child's name. Get down to your child's level. Look into your child's eyes and speak directly to him. If you feel you need to check the child's understanding of the request, ask him to repeat it back to you.
STRATEGY #7: Model desired behavior
The best way to get our children to behave how we desire is to demonstrate the desired behavior ourselves. This is the single most influential manner to teach children how to resolve conflict, respect others and manage their emotions. If you yell and scream at your children, yet you require them to remain calm - what are you displaying for them to model? A few common areas where role modeling is particularly helpful are: Being Tidy - We all want our children to be tidy and do their chores. Before we are able to demand tidiness from our kids we need to examine our own room. Do we have huge mounds of laundry that needs done, dishes left piled in the sink, or clothes scattered everywhere in our own bedrooms? Being Accountable - How your child deal with accountability has a lot to do with how the parent deals with his own mistakes. Do you blame others, or make excuses or do you know how to apologize and take responsibility when you are wrong? When a parent apologizes, especially to their child when they are wrong it allows a natural flow of conversation and reality to that child that their parent is not perfect. Respecting others - Do you treat your children and others with courtesy, dignity and respect, or do we treat others disrespectfully? Do you use the same manners you are expecting from your child? The way we talk and treat children will determine the way they will respond and treat us. When a parent respects rights, needs and wants your child will learn to respect others' rights, needs and wants.
STRATEGY #8: Spend time with your children - be available
This is another area that often gets overlooked when you are examining what you can do differently to get your children to cooperate. By taking the time to connect with them you are helping them feel valued, important and an integral member of the family. The relationship you have with your child impacts their development and success as an adult, it is extremely important. When your child wants to tell you about their day or tell you a joke do you stop what you are doing and listen, or do you try to multi-task and half-heartedly hear him? Set down what you are doing and give your child 5 minutes of your time. Or better yet, carve out time in your day to spend with him. So many parents use the term "quality time" in reference to spending time with their children. I like to refer to the term "quantity time". Your child cares about the small bits of time you willingly share with him. The ten minutes here watching him shoot the basketball or the five minutes at tuck-in when you talk about his day. When you choose to be available to your child you are showing him you care, not just giving lip service. Remember that old saying, "Actions speak louder than words?" A favorite book of mine that has helped my relationships with all of my children is Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages of Children". It explains how everyone, even children experience feeling love. You can have your child take an two minute assessment and it will give you an indication of his primary love language - quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch. Everyone has a primary love language. So for example, your child's primary love language is quality time, yet you are a big gift giver, thinking you are showing him how much you love and care about him. The reality is that your child doesn't feel it in that way because he feels love when you spend time with him, not when you give him gifts. If you haven't read this book, take the time to check it out. It could transform the relationship you have with your child.
STRATEGY #9: The five minute warning
This is a common strategy I find many parents use on a daily basis. I wanted to include this because of how important I feel it is when setting up expectations with your child. As an adult can you imagine sitting at your desk working on a project and your boss comes in and says, "Put away your computer, stop what you are doing I need you to go to the store." You would be thrown for a loop trying to immediately change gears. Well, that is what you are doing when you don't give your child a five minute warning. Whether you are getting ready to clean up, run errands, eat lunch or take a bath the transition time you allow your child will prove to be invaluable. Some children even need a longer transition time so maybe a ten minute warning is more appropriate. Whatever time frame you give as a warning try to be as close to that time as possible. If you continually give a five minute warning yet you never follow that with moving on to the next item within that time frame, your child learns that you cannot be held at your word. So be realistic and consistent.
STRATEGY #10: Be generous with praise when they are doing well
This is the most popular and powerful discipline tool to show approval when your child is behaving well. Compliments, encouragement, praise and eye contact all help build your child's confidence and reduce the overall need for dramatic discipline programs. So often children get the attention they so desire when they are misbehaving. Why not try giving your attention when your child is doing something well or behaving in a way that is pleasing to you? Be specific in your compliment; instead of saying, "Good job" try saying, "Joey, I love the way you tucked in your shirt this morning," or "Sara, thank you for playing so quietly while I was on that phone call." The more attention they receive when they are doing something positive the more likely they will repeat that type of behavior to hear that praise again.
I hope you found these strategies helpful and you now have some new tools in your "mom toolbelt" to tackle your frustration with uncooperative children. If you have already incorporated some of these strategies into your parenting plan - GREAT! Why not pick two more to add in and see how it impacts your current situation? Set a goal to incorporate all of them and really see the dynamics within your house change. I can tell you from personal experience that these strategies work, but remember you will make mistakes in the beginning, so be easy on yourself. Change takes time! It will take effort on your part to change habits that you have developed and honestly your kids may give you a puzzled look because they don't get the normal reaction from you that has worked over time. There is hope in every situation and I believe good things will happen when you put forth the effort.
By Susan Heid
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